January 06, 2007

Male Versus Female Problem Solving

Problem #1: Toe Fungus.

• Recommended female solution: get some of that fungus killer stuff at the drugstore. Consider having foot doctor deal with it.
• Recommended male solution: Grind the damn ugly nail(s) off with a Dremel or similar rotary power tool.

Updated! You will smell the nail burning before you feel it.

January 01, 2007

Sign of the Apocalypse #389,211

John Travolta reprises a Divine role in 2007's Hairspray. (So how long until he expresses a mother's love to her son Crackers in the "Pink Flamingo" remake?)

December 30, 2006

Perfect Summary of Male-Female Dynamic

All she wants to do is dance. And he starts right in with an inept, doomed attempt to get up on her leg.

December 25, 2006

Hurn Christmas Programming

Bad seventies European made-for-television rock opera out-take with Udo Kier playing a mainlining mentally challenged sycophant of some dweeb in greasepaint.

What does it all mean, Fang? At least all the snowmen and Christmas trees typical of more conventional Christmas programming are comprehensible to a normal and undamaged psyche.

December 24, 2006

Special Christmas Announcement

Archana Sharma and Sanjay Chaube are proud to announce the arrival of their daughter, India Arya Sharma-Chaube, at 8:45 a.m. on December 22nd 2006. She was doing fine until Sanjay told her that he would be teaching her maths when she grows up, upon which she opened her little mouth wide and gave a cosmic cry of protest and outrage. Regards, Sanjay "Proud Papa" Chaube

December 22, 2006

Have A Very Unnecessary Christmas

It was probably better not to try to explain.

December 18, 2006

I swear I didn't make this up.

September 23, 2006: Stryper will not be performing in Monterrey, Mexico as briefly announced on the internet. Stryper was originally scheduled to perform with Slayer, who reportedly cancelled their performance after learning they would be co-headlining with Stryper. Stryper is currently considering a re-scheduled date in Monterrey, Mexico. Details will be announced soon.

December 16, 2006

Screen Caps from that "Santas Gone Wild" DVD

Proceeds to buy Santa some wax

Click here if you dare.

December 14, 2006

Be Sure To Give Santa A Warning

Evidence of Night of the Living Santas

December 12, 2006

I hate your camera

December 05, 2006

Preparations for Night of the Living Santas

• Get Santa costume
• Locate bag of feather boas and confirm usability of white one (boas have a finite life cycle).
• Confirm whether wrist-boas add anything to Santa accessories. This check is not necessary for feather boa.
• Program BodyBillboard with the message "HO HO HO, DAMMIT."
• Verify that LED battery-powered Christmas lights function.
• Locate real and toy sleigh-bells from bag of miscellaneous music toys - verify whether full sleigh bells is too heavy to carry.
• Learn lyrics to "I Wanna Be Your Dog"
• Check bus schedules for Dec 13.
• Camera-test ensemble (a field test for this may be too risky).
• Reality-check camera test of ensemble with RixChix in Rick Springfield Chat
• Attend SmashRiley performance 13 Dec at The Carousel Lounge in ensemble and intimidate lesser Santas into submission as the Electric Feather Boa Stooges Santa from Denton in tne Precincts of The Courts of Mammon
• Deny everything afterwards

November 16, 2006

Christmas Shopping?

Gifts like this make it easy.

bonsai tree proxy
single tiny white blossom
as dead stepfather

November 12, 2006

diet epitaph
Ruffles bags now stacking up
fat pants tight again

eleven dollars
three Whataburgers for lunch
never knew I could

October 29, 2006

Buzz status report

Overall condition: Good

Tasks completed:

1. Potentiometers purchased.
   Various 500K split shaft pots purchased, variously from Guitar Center, Guitar Center (south), MusicMakers Austin, and Radio Shack. Three lost somewhere, one proved unusable (shaft too large), two worked.
2. Capacitors acquired.
   Two 0.47picofarad thingies purchased at Radio Shack; two more donated by MusicMakers Austin. Used Radio Shack for tone control.
3. Soldering tasks completed.
   Five separate sorties were required. Each involved getting to electronics by taking off pickguard which requires taking off neck which requires taking off strings. First sortie exploratory. Second involved switching neck and bridge controls, since bridge pickup more important to evile sound. Third involved replacing hosed neck tone control. Fourth involved replacing hosed neck volume control which went out shortly after fixing related tone control. Fifth involved resoldering hot lead from neck pickup, since after fourth reassembly neither tone nor volume available for neck pickup.
4. Selector switch tip replaced.
   Three separate purchase necessary to make this work. First involved tips that wouldn't fit. Second involved tip in horrible butterscotch color. Third involved black tip which matches color scheme of guitar.

All is well now but for some unwelcome scratch in the bridge pickup tone control (which normally rides at full treble anyway. For reasons why, cf. Fang.) Ready to abuse all comers with sonic evil. [Please, let nothing go wrong with this guitar for a while. I love Telecasters but I hate operating on them. My eyes are weak and my hands shake now and I can't solder like I did in the 1980s.]

October 23, 2006

Whatever Happened to Rock and Roll?

October 18, 2006

Weird Fortean Phenomenon

I've been finding brightly colored feathers on the rug, but can't see any similarly colored birds anywhere. Should I expect a rain of fish to follow?

October 15, 2006

Some Looks For Peau

Surely something here will tickle Clark's fancy. The one that strikes me as most likely to warm him up inside appears under the heading "Hi-Hats."

October 06, 2006

October 02, 2006

Laundry Quandary

one bag holds clean socks
and one all the dirty socks
one feather boas

September 17, 2006

There Is No Explanation For This Either

September 16, 2006

You can feel aloof
Playing rummy on the roof
But don't go near the basement
Where the cockaroaches dance
You can wallow in romance
But don't go near the basement.

September 06, 2006

Still Ready, Boys?

I don't know that I can add much to this - is it the absence of man parts in one half of the species that taints love for this poor fellow?

August 31, 2006

Ready, Boys?

Or is it "All right, fellas?"

August 28, 2006

August 12, 2006

I Can Not Explain This

It just is

July 30, 2006

More Hazards of a New Camera

You rang?

July 29, 2006

Is This Thing On?

Richard O'Brien said never let yourself be photographed from this angle.

July 25, 2006

I'm too quiet *

July 23, 2006

Separated at Birth?

July 22, 2006

It's Make Your Own Story Time Again