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Monday, September 04, 2006
Upper Back Bay
Upper Back Bay
Newport Beach, Ca (July 2006)
Connecticut River
Connecticut River
Northampton, Ma (Jan 2006)
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Horse & Boat
Backyard view: Horse & Boat
Heath, Tx (2005)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Dandy
Dandy
Heath, Tx (2004)
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Curly
Curly
Heath, Tx (2005)
Amaryllis
Amaryllis
Heath, Tx (2005)
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
January Sunset
January Sunset
Heath, Tx (2005)
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
backyard view: sunset on the lake
backyard view: sunset on the lake
Heath, Tx (2004)
Friday, December 10, 2004
Still, no donkey.
December bee
Heath, Tx (2004)
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Thankyou. Thankyouverymuch.
berries
Heath, Tx (2004)
Friday, November 19, 2004
racing
racing
Denton, Tx (2003)
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Lichens
Lichens
Heath, Tx (2004)
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Spooky All Hallow's Eve (Bluh! Bluh!)
Halloween Butterfly
Heath, Tx (2004)
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Piney
Piney
Heath, Tx (2004)
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Long Cold Sneeze
The Guinness Book of World Records documents the longest sneeze attack as lasting 978 days with an estimated one million sneezes in the first year alone. But, the record for the longest single sneeze is not mentioned at all due to a failure to meet their strict verification standards. The longest sneeze occurred in Antarctica at the turn of the 20th century. Maybe.Antarctica is cold. They say that it is cold enough to slow the vibration of thought molecules, sometimes stopping thoughts entirely. "Upon arriving to the Antarctic in 1908", explorer William Rollingham wrote, "I immediately began to sneeze but only got as far as 'Aaah-Ch..' before becoming entirely frozen solid." He remained poised in mid-sneeze until two full months later when he was discovered by a disoriented and randy colony of Emperor Penguins.
Emperor penguins generally mate once a year. The event only lasts about 10 seconds, uninterrupted. However, unhindered Emperor Penguin sex is rare. There are many more females than males. The unattended females usually try their best to interfere with the luckier birds. How long does it take a bunch of excited penguins to defrost a sneezing human? I don't know. A lot longer than 10 seconds I wager.
When Billy Rollingham regained consciousness he found himself bruised, confused, and in the midst of a waddling, undulating, pounding, braying, honking bird frenzy. But before he could comprehend his predicament - thought molecules presumeably still in hyperborean adagio - he was overcome by his unfinished and immediate raison d'etre. His sudden explosive involuntary "...oooooooooooh!" scattered the frustrated birds and our explorer scrambled to safety.
Regular patrons of The Broken Drum and Shovel Pub ("Can't beat it, dig?") know his story all too well. He told it often over pints of Guinness, using the name of the dark beverage as a segue. The tale became so legendary that the recitation continues to this day long after Rollingham's quietus. Newcomers are guaranteed to hear some version of it before they drain their first stout. Groups of oldtimers retell it in unison or sometimes in tag-team style and on a good night you might see a drunken reenactment of the penguin frenzy. In the late eighties, someone even recorded a rap song called "Long Cold Sneeze" and sold cassettes in the pub.
William Rollingham was easily grossed out. The Guinness Book of World Records rejected Billy's claim with apologies on the basis that "avian witnesses, no matter in what number, do not represent sufficient asseveration in order to substantiate a record claim." But people that knew him, his family and certainly his pubmates, knew that a human witness would have corroborated his story, phonetically at least. It was really just a matter of spelling. When he woke up and realized what the penguins were trying to do with him he almost certainly said the same thing he said when he drank a fly or when old man Werner sneezed on the back of his neck - not "...oooooooooooh!", but rather "Ewwwwwwww!"
People that knew Billy, his family and certainly his pubmates, all knew this and still felt he deserved a world record of some kind. Maybe he should have applied for something else besides longest sneeze. And maybe it didn't matter what he called it. Some bastards get all the world records and other bastards get all the Emperor Penguin sex - which, by the way, is best when frequently interrupted, especially if you are a frozen bastard.
posted by cesar | 11:00 AM
Saturday, October 02, 2004
bee, ladybug, no donkey
bee, ladybug, no donkey
Heath, Tx (2004)
Monday, September 27, 2004
Pond Snake
Pond Snake
Heath, Tx (2004)
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Sunfleur
Sunfleur
Heath, Tx (2004)
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Timetravel: 8 years of Hurnco
Feeling nostalgic?Visit old issues of The Internet Hurn Authority with the WayBackMachine
posted by cesar | 5:02 PM
"Buzz Buzz", said the bee.
Bee on Sunflower
Heath, Tx (2004)
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Dear Diary,
I am ninja cowboy nuclear ice-ghostwith action fins, radioactive hideout, and smartly dressed archenemy.
My schedule is:
7-11am alter-ego day job
11-noon lunch
noon-11pm super crime fighting, charity, posing
11-midnight evening meal, West Wing reruns
midnight-2am secret super rituals
2-6am just resting my eyes
6-7am personal hygiene, light breakfast
Yes, personal hygiene only once a day. More would diminish several of my super powers.
Dear Diary,
Continuing quest for lighter materials for super anti-crime tools, weaponry, and miscellaneous arsenal. Utility belt causing unfashionable and unherolike stresses upon super-tights.Dear Diary,
Incident at grocery store self checkout. Grapefruits kept producing "unexpected item in bagging area" message. It kept saying it over and over. "Unexpected item in bagging area. Please remove item....Unexpected item in bagging area. Please remove item...Unexpected item"...I used Disaster Breath® to crash the checkout system. Maybe I panicked when the attendant started to come over. Before I could gather my wits, he was lassoed and his tongue frozen to his upper palate. I vaulted away without my grapefruits.posted by cesar | 11:46 PM
Thursday, September 09, 2004
rothko flora
rothko flora
Heath, Tx (2004)
Monday, September 06, 2004
Expensive Advice
- Give me an airplane hangar full of cash.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Free Advice
- Be careful when juggling sharks, icepicks, fleas, and jello.
- Never leave the planet without equipment designed specifically for that purpose.
- Check for parasites and abrasions immediately after each nude enactment of the Sacred Marriage of Inanna and Dumuzi.
- Do not be coerced into eating unwashed free-range poultry especially without the benefit of latex finger gloves or alimentary canal.
- Always dance briefly before any expression of anger.
- Quick pointed hand strikes to eyes throat and groin are best accompanied by wild stare, explosive shout, audible snort, and finally, snakey tongue.
- Never French kiss your cat without proper training.
Addendum: One should practice snakey tongue before any attempt to use it in an actual combat situation.
posted by cesar | 11:52 AMTuesday, August 31, 2004
Open the Gate!
Thor, Gate, Rabbit
Heath, Tx (2004)
Photo by Victor Stastny
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Report
Bobo fall down. Bobo get up.Gertrude slip on liquid. She recover.
Sly lose balance. Skin hand, no hit butt.
Squeaky hit by train, but only on earlobe. Red bumps. No itch.
Genko step wrong. Weird crack noise. Maybe deep bone fracture. Maybe walk on pecan.
Ophelia circle constantly. Whispering in left ear.
Tomkins still missing. Socks and underpants folded and rolled to resemble swan on pedestal, left on courthouse steps.
Yulef eat flies. Inappropriate smiles. Unusual breath.
posted by cesar | 12:58 PM
Name that fruit.
untitled
Heath, Tx (2004)
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Acorns
Acorns
Heath, Tx (2004)
Not hop.
Dead Rabbit
Heath, Tx (2004)
posted by cesar | 11:34 AM
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Berries
Berries.
Heath, Tx (2004)
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Hop, Hop, Hop
Little furry rabbitGoes hop, hop, hop.
Hop, little rabbit, hop, hop, hop.
Hop, hop, hop! HOP! HOP!!!! HOP!!!!!!!!
Bunny Rabbit under Rabbit!Tree
Heath, Tx (2004)
Thor under Rabbit!Tree a split-second later
Heath, Tx (2004)
posted by cesar | 11:12 AM
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Leftovers
"That's the thing about possum innards. They's just as good the second day."Jed Clampett
posted by cesar | 9:06 PM
Monday, July 12, 2004
Sunflower
Sunflower
Heath, Tx (2004)
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Thor's Stastnyland Map
Key:
- Eat, Sleep, Hide from storms.
- Stupid kennel keeps me from rabbits.
- Relief area.
- Horses across the water.
- Scary fishermen in boat behind trees.
- Big Turtle in field.
- Frogs and other pond critters.
- Squirrels!
- RABBITS!!!!
red
white
blue
green
gray posted by cesar | 12:14 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2004
I found a bird's egg in the rain.
Egg
Denton, Tx (2003)
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Droplets
Droplets
Heath, Tx (2004)
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
I found a horse skull in a tree.
Strange Fruit
Heath, Tx (2004)
Monday, June 21, 2004
Firewheels
Firewheels
Heath, Tx (2004)
Sunday, June 20, 2004
T-Roy and I
Mardi Gras or bust...
Denton (2002)
Friday, June 18, 2004
Ms. Pinky
Pink
Heath, Tx (2004)
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Snap!
Me: We need to talk. I cannot think of a single instance of you ever going to the grocery store or doing any kind of shopping whatsoever. Yet, apparently you think its ok to nibble on whatever food you can get your little mits on whenever you please. I don't like it; its rude. But I don't mind it half as much as your bathroom habits. You don't seem to even know where the bathroom is. Its the little room with the toilet and the literature. You don't care. You obviously have a major scatological problem that I just can't deal with right now. Did your parents let you crap on the counter?! Its disgusting and I won't deal with it anymore!! No more eating my food without permission. I mean it. And if I see even a hint of excrement anywhere in the house, you are outta here. No discussion. Period. The end.Mouse: Squeak.
Me: Fine then. I hope you are serious about this because I'm not fooling around anymore. I've had it up to here...
Mouse: Squeak!
Me: Alright, alright. 'nuff said. No hard feelings. I'm just gonna leave this piece of tasty Jewish Rye here on this little wooden platform with the springloaded metal bar. Don't you dare touch it! Well, good night.
Mouse: Squeak.....mmmh...Jewish Rye.... posted by cesar | 10:08 AM
